November 26, 2005

   In my lifetime I have had to supplement my income with many different occupations to support my ART habit. I have worked in restaurants  (fast & natural food),  bars & a memorable 9 years at a grocery with a deli.  Boring & tedious work!! But art jobs (murals, portraits, signs, faux finis, etc) only covered about 40% of the bills. It was brought to my attention that I could use my Bachelor of Fine Art degree to substitute teach at the local schools. Heck! I like short people, I could always find another food industry job if it didn't work out & it would certainly be a change...  Little did I realize 3 1/2 years ago how much of a change. 

   In the 4 schools I work at, on an almost full time basis, I know over 400 names. I used to be the kind of person who forgot a name 30 seconds after being introduced. As a substitute teacher it is a mandatory survival technique to remember. Most of my precious ideals about the nature of children, like innocence, hope, love, endless possibilities, etc.,  have had to be modified to include the instinctive animal nature of the young to test their boundaries to its' limits. There are universal laws about how children will behave when a substitute comes in the room. You know them, 1. Try to get away with as much as possible. 2. Pretend ignorance of all the usual rules. 3. Disrupt or stall the lesson plan, claim that the class has already done this assignment, or has no clue where that book is... 4. Try to trick the substitute with: name switches, language problems, "we always do it this way" instructions, " our teacher lets us do this", etc.  5. Or just plain old ignore the teacher, (usually this technique is used by older kids). I must say, working as a substitute teacher is never boring!!! I am challenged every day to communicate effectively,  keep modeling polite, positive behavior & practice forgiveness (sometimes by the minute...). I am human & sometimes don't live up to perfection...yet I keep trying. If I had to write a job description for this kind of work it would read: Intelligent, Loving, self confident, kind, generous,  forgiving, open, communicative, adaptable, creative, sympathetic, calm, thoughtful, compassionate, quick witted, benevolent, humane, considerate, understanding, tender, composed, diplomatic, gentle yet firm dominatrix desired for temporary work with impressionable & volatile young people. Must bring own carrot & (figurative) stick...  If anyone knows where to find that effective cologne 'Essence of Authority' I would gladly pay any reasonable price. 

   When I began working at school, I didn't realize how much I would carry home with me.   It is a lot like being the stone that skips across the lake, I don't get to have deep relationships with the students, but, I do get to know a little about all of them.  My heart holds them with hope; there is good in each & every one. It seems the human condition is to have to struggle, I don't know anyone who has had a perfectly easy life & trial by fire seems to be how we are formed. We make choices, amid the chaos, which shape our evolution towards being human. (personal definition, Human: to be self responsible, honest & compassionate.)

December 3, 2005

When the little munchkins interrupt an instruction with "We don't do it that way or we always do it this way..." I ask them "Who is the teacher today?... That's right, ME the Pirate Teacher & we're going to do this MY way. Arrrghhh" It saves me from having to find the actual teachers personal props or take the extra ( vital to holding little minds attention) time to read more instructions...  This has led to a certain infamy with some children. There is something ineffably touching about having a small person see me around campus or even at the grocery store yell out " Hi Pirate Teacher!"  

Occasionally a student will pop out with "If you're a pirate, what have you plundered ?" (to paraphrase) At which point I must hang my head in mock shame explaining " I am a pirate with a moral problem . . . I have morals, which is a severe handicap in the pirate business. That is why you are lucky enough to have me as your teacher today." 

Children need be reminded of basic facts almost continuously on the road to self responsibility. Often when confronting a child with a misbehavior, I will ask, "How can I get you to remember to                ? "(play nice, be respectful or be safe) "Should I hang you upside down & pull your ears or should you say "I will play safe" 10 times?" Hardly anyone ever chooses the physical torture method of memorization & the rare child who calls my bluff gets "I'll work that into my schedule, I have a backlog of  tormenting to catch up with. Now say 10 times                 . . . ."

 

 

Dread Pirate Bonney
Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr! 

When Bess first came to live

at my house, she was a devil dog.

She barked at anyone who came too close

to our house. Her idea of too close

was the parking lot across the street.

Bess was afraid of tall men wearing plaid shirts,

she usually tried to bite any man fitting

this description. 

When we have visitors, she will growl 

and herd them back to a chair

if the visitor tries to go anywhere in the house. 

Once she met a mother and infant at a

local restaurant, when the father came out to

join his wife, Bess lunged at him to protect

the baby.  She chased my cats, Ami and

Amigo, until they showed her the error of

her ways by demonstrating their prowess with

their retractable stilettos.

With training every day for two

years, Bess has become a mostly

good dog.  She will heel, come, sit,

stay, lay down and fetch on command.

 

Although she still has to loudly tell

anyone coming to our front porch

that a large dog lives here.

Amigo is a 17 year old cat who has been with me since he was 6weeks old. (His dam chose me the day after I moved into the house across the street. She came to the front door crying, purred while pet then resumed crying as she walked 3 steps away. In this manner she led me across the street, through a gate to the shed with a large litter of 5 week old kittens.) He is a gentle, affectionate & grumpy feline who sleeps with me every night.  He has the uncanny ability of a good friend who knows when to comfort, I have not ever cried alone.  He usually will not come to anyone else's call . . . Bess, the dread pirate dog is almost 5, trained by myself &Amigo's sibling, the dear departed Ami.  Each of them likes to have an early morning constitutional followed by a morning nap, hopefully in a sunny spot on the front porch. Bess enjoys a mid day ball chase accented with an occasional gopher catch. Amigo retired from the rodent removal service years ago, not counting the occasional sport hunt for fun & torture. (When sport hunting, Amigo brings a live trophy into the house mewing loudly around a mouthful of fur or scales. After he is certain that everyone is awake to admire his catch, he lets the frightened, tiny chum down, to play with some more. He often loses interest in the Bounce the Buddy game  & invites his pal to play Hide & Seek, allowing the little fellow to run for cover. At this point I try to evacuate the new friend with a warning "Cats are not nice playmates & their idea of being flippant is literal." )  Afternoons are a mystery as we are usually at work, yet I surmise more naps are the order. If dinner is not served by 6:pm, Amigo begins quietly complaining, "Meow.......Meow......" However if dinner is not quickly forthcoming, his complaints become louder, "Meow..Meow..MEOW" until food is placed in front of him. On the other paw, Bess has perfected the psychic begging stare, "Starving over here, wasting to nothing, don't you love me any more?" implore her multi colored eyes.

Bess gets a sunset walk just before dinner & a late night walk just before bedtime. Amigo likes to stay out all day in good weather, come in for dinner & settle in for a long nap in my bed.  He has decided that 3:am is a good time for a  constitutional. He would have the same temper tantrum as a late dinner only he would yell "Meowt..Meowt.. MEEOWTT!!" Until finally I decided to leave the bathroom window open all the time. The tradeoff of the possibility of raccoon invasion was offset by a full nights sleep. Once Amigo could come & go at any hour, he achieved a prescient knowledge of when my alarm was set. No matter what time it was set, 6:15, 6:20 , 7:05... he would come in precisely 15 minutes (that most precious dream time) before it would go off to wake me.  From the cold, damp outdoors he would begin asking" Hey, are you awake?"  & keep asking (louder & louder of course) as he came up the stairs to my bed. Upon hearing my groggy voice, he would climb under the covers to dry off on me (thus insuring that I was truly awake now...) & purr "Good, I'll take my early morning nap now."

Just as the routine in our home became settled, along  came a beautiful silver grey Tom cat. He is twice Amigo's size length wise, yet curiously short changed in  leg length.  Subtly striped with pale jade green eyes, he has long white tufts coming out of his ears & a mane about his neck. He appears to be a long haired cat, when actually he is medium haired with the muscles of a Pit Bull.  Canvassing the four "cat loving" houses in our neighborhood for about 6 months, he was begging to be adopted.  Affectionately rubbing against any leg he could find, cozying up for a free lunch. He tried every charming trick to be noticed; rolling on his back for belly rubs,  yelling at the back door "Hey, anyone want to come out & play? Are you home? Got cat food?", purring ecstatically when he received attention. Our neighbor M was the first to think of adopting him. When she consulted her sweetheart, he replied "We don't need an extra cat." Now we had a name to refer to when talking over the back fence, "Have you seen Extra lately?..." G started in on me about taking responsibility for Extra. My first concern was for Amigo, I would not want him to be pushed out by a younger cat. We started feeding Extra, outside, on a regular basis & watching to see how the two males behaved with each other. Amigo allowed Extra to sit next to him in some of his favorite garden spots, so we allowed Extra to come in the house for a few supervised hours. Amigo appeared accepting & Extra stayed on his best behavior, seeming to know that he was auditioning for a place beside the fire while it rained outdoors. The next hurdle was getting Extra fixed, I did not want a wandering, spraying tomcat around. G took him to his  appointment & I picked him up afterward. Extra has been distant, even hostile to G every since. Meanwhile, feeling more secure, Extra has tried to assume the alpha position. Bess believes that she is the alpha of the world & wasn't wearing dominance from the new cat. Small ploys like sniffing the dogs dinner became teeth bearing stand offs where Extra was forced to back down. Amigo is my best friend, so that every imposition from the new cat was blocked by the giant who opens the can. 

Besides being extra large, he lives up to his name by being extraordinary. Stopped in his plans for house domination, Extra observed Amigos every move & began imitating him exactly. If Amigo sat on the front porch with his paws crossed, so did Extra. When Amigo stretched, Extra copied move for move, like watching a TaiChi class. Extra has apprenticed himself & is quite willingly letting Amigo mentor him in the proper household behaviors. Amigo observed that Extra will gladly exit through the bathroom window, yet seems to hate coming back in that way. This led to Amigo using the devious strategy of luring Extra out for a midnight hunt & then abandoning the younger cat for a solo return to my bed. Amigo's ruse worked quite well for many weeks, halting only recently. Extra worked out that he could block the traffic flow by laying outside in front of the window, thereby controlling egress... I guess the giant can opener shall have to intervene again.